Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
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Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.