Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?