I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend