Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
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If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.