My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
You Might Also Like
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home