Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
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I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??