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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Friends that check up on you >
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.