I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
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Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.