[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
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A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.