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had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.