I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
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Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Eat…
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute