In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
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[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
How high do the levels go?
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
i have one speed and it’s mosey
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other