F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
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I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.