I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
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Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
This is amazing.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.