Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
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I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
*cough*
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.