MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
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I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
In case you needed to hear it:
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
is it earth
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.