bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
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Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies