*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
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Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
i love modern commerce
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Well, shit
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”