friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
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Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.