how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
just pretend nothing happened
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.