Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
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My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?