Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
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Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
the clam before the storm
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.