I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
What kind of a cult is this?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings