im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
You Might Also Like
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.