So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
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They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.