The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
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I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.