Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
dads on road-trips be like
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”