as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
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[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
When I snag the last meatball.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Maths meets science
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side