I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
You Might Also Like
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
kevin is now a local weatherman
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.