[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
You Might Also Like
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me