[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
You Might Also Like
2022 be like
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Baking is just science you can eat.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film