If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
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“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
What the hell is going on?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.