Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
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DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
incredible book dedication
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?