Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
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ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.