One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
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I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in