*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
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Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Finally! 😈
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.