That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
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The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.