me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
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Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.