I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
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no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
how much for the angry fruit?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.