You Might Also Like
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.