I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
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Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.