I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
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I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
who did the taste test?
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles