My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
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Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.