SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
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I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
incredible text to wake up to
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.