[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
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Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
They’re not wrong
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.