Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Something Saturday.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂