[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
You Might Also Like
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Krampus.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.