Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
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Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police