Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
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Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.