If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My dream job is getting paid to dream
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
man i love columbo
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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